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Nowadays, he finds himself yearning to retch at the pitiful, deplorable sight of her, despising all that she does and speaks, reviling all those clean and unaware simplicities she employs, all that familiar silk in her words. There are the guileless smiles, and the ways in which she’ll still make observances of his weary, trembling condition, bewildered at where it all went wrong. How can she possibly come to understand, after all, why he lingers further into the night's dregs than any other man of his age, without alcohol to pry open his eyelids and prolong his stare? How can she understand why it is that he'd rather have the Devil at his throat than her presence, when at least he is promised that Lucifer will be less ignorant?

He has no idea, no singular semblance of a coherent thought that may allow him to begin, nor sufficiently comprehend what he has undergone in the time since he once lived, which of course comes to lead into dread, coupled with interrogations into the conscience he'd much prefer to see go up in flames. Whenever she asks questions of him, always murmured so delicately from her lips (it seems genuine enough that he is partly convinced there is some part of her that acts in consideration alone), in the low, amiable note he once considered to be calming, there is hysteria. There is agony without suppression.

In aged years of spring and other frivolous seasons of youth and apathy, he may have merely taken her fingers into his whenever the words came, like the living embodiment of passion and intimacy he once appeared; his limbs would have been drooping languidly in the searing heat, a humid dark. Once, he’d look closely upon her, noting every crease of her brow and stitch of her clothing, without having to fight to fathom every consonant and vowel, churning them through his mind as though he does not understand his own lilt and language. He would not have been asked why sometimes, or perhaps frequently, he collapses beneath his own weighted melancholy, or feels cold beneath the sun.

Perhaps, in those times, he might've led her gingerly forwards into an embrace of heavy, warm eyelids and patient fingers, afraid to indulge, devoid of the ever present fear that what lies beneath him is not skin, but blood not hers and not his own - swilling and spilling into the path to Hell. His eyes might've been a glinting - not paranoid and livid - presence in the light. Yet now, whenever she still asks questions of him, eyes fixated and so completely certain, he will only heave a shuddering, unrestrained exhale, and his thinking becomes so that he knows nothing but frigid remorse. Fire sweeps through his skull, and he is rendered utterly incapable of concentrating upon even the feeblest distraction before he falls into silence, and weeps without restraint. Sometimes, he (vaguely mirthfully) wonders if the other organs in his chest are struggling to keep the heart alive, and have already been exhausted by their task, driven to the cusp of resignation.

She will raise on her lips inquisitions of his travels, even so, about how he had felt in all the finery of his steel-shell attire and delighted in the form of his musket, in a country where the leaves were thick and the civilisation otherworldly. All he can do to reply, however, is hesitate (discomposed and aghast, staring at his hands, disconnected from this place), and simply attempt to stem any more of her questions with pleasantries, or promises he believes no more than the ones offered from his own once affable tongue the evening before. Crossing himself, even touching where his skin quavers, does not present ease as it once did so easily, and he senses nothing remotely similar to serenity.

Although, he has to be honest with himself, he understands, at least admitting that it is not merely her that will not have a trace of belief in her eyes (not half of those he knows will, not when they see he's lost his mind) if he somehow brings himself finally to throw forth all these truths he’s concealed for far too many years. He's hidden them well - even satisfyingly, and perhaps effectively - beneath such a mirthful and gayly lighthearted demeanour as she probably considers natural, now. She doesn't ask after his health these days.

Of course, that can never quite be the actual truth of it, but maybe she believes it, still; maybe she still believes he’s the same man after all this time, unchanged by the spectacle of fervent massacres and dark, staring eyes, both dead and living. Maybe, she doesn’t know him at all - at least, not after he returned and took to fitful habits that happen to include paranoia and clumsy, itching movements, reminiscent of a madman.

It’s a steady, thickening lie he’s full aware is still festering in the farthest corners and recesses of his mind, imprisoned behind cages of bone, reaching to thread through his blood to his increasingly erratic innards, but never quite able to strengthen its roots to something that he can understand. He’s tried and prayed to form himself (or in the least attempted to do so) into that man who was so damn oblivious, and unaware that brutality is a price beyond a broken sword. A broken mind seems far more likely, now.

Once, he could live contently in such a manner, without the grotesque knowledge of war and of bloodshed (hot and unbearable even now) – he’ll lay awake for hours upon hours at night, these days, flesh sweltering and eyes stretched and glistening, trapped in such a repetitive apparition of truth as he could never have believed could be existent upon the earth, let alone in the confines of his mind. Is this meant to be Purgatory? Or is it deeper - is it Inferno?

It’s all too disgusting and too memorable against the torn canvas of his mind, a bright and excruciating painting of gold and red and brown, like torn flesh beneath steel. In the end, he’d eagerly followed the rest with such thoughtless and obedient loyalty, and for what? A murderer's smile and pleased, yet unstable mind?

He’ll never be able to exchange chests brimming with gold for the own purity of his conscience, evidently, or explain in words to the other soldiers why it is that he never drinks at night, and hides his weapons and musket in the corner of the room with the handle still scarlet, the blade reflecting the light in a luminescence he readily abhors. Long hours will he waste in the evenings, staring at the thing for minutes at a time with eyes that are vacant with wretched contemplation, only to be distracted temporarily by the sight of his son (bright-eyed and epitomising youth, almost to the point of being as difficult to confront as disease), whom he’ll mindlessly take onto his knee, pressing a kiss to the child’s temple, his joviality deformed.

It’s a gesture toward the child that he almost mindlessly longs his wife to view as cordial and good willed, but even that can only reinforce the undeniable detestation of himself he yearns to cough from his lungs and free from his bloodied mind. Yet he resents that lie - that hidden knowledge of how little truth there remains in any aspect of him, nowadays, not only for the fact it’s always there, but for the fact it’s an unchangeable reminder that regardless of whose face he sees, of whose lips he kisses and who he looks to in the light of day, his eyes will fill themselves with the same dull, deadened light that is perpetually reflected from his blade as it resides against the dust of the wall. Soon enough, he fears, they will be synonymous, both refined to slaughter and both without something even vaguely redeemable and gentle.

No longer is it a possibility to lay such knowledge to rest, to tuck it into bed at night and neglect it even when the sun rises again and it’s turned skeletal, wholly ridden of feeling, akin to his own mind (flesh now dripping from the structure beneath). It’s indefatigable, unfathomable, remaining prevalent, still, in every moment he succeeds in convincing himself it may well be better to forget that he’s a mindless, foolish soldier, and a pet of something greater than himself.

It seems to be an inevitably unimaginable ideal and aspiration that he may, perhaps, one morning drive away the recollection of how his hands and blades had so recklessly plunged into the shining flesh of one of those painted natives, vivid in the shadows of Tenochtitlan, pulling at strips of skin; he can never allow himself to entirely desert the memories of their beautiful temples, red against a flat plane of blue and a glorified ball of fire. He will never forget the golden walls with their wide mouthed idols and pierced lips, caked with smattered blood. It’s an all too realistic, all too terrible knowledge of his regrets; blackened, festering self hatred still continues to eat away at all he knows and still can say he loves, as an honest, credible man. Perhaps his laughter will never be joyous again.

How can he ever allow himself, in these present but agonising years, to boldly meet the eyes of his wife, the one he abandoned to loneliness and seclusion those long months and years of travel, and still bring her knuckles to his lips with the same assurance he had once so commonly, easily assumed? How can he lay comfortably with her at night, or display the same sword he’d once held to the sun, teeth and metal flashing, edge decorated with rotting blood? How can he show the broken musket to his children, talking pleasantly and softly of the skulls he has shattered, and all with the same enthusiasm one usually gives to much more contented affairs? How can he press his hands to the beautiful face of a child he’s not known the existence of for three years, brushing back dark hair from a little forehead, and feeding the child with falsehoods he doesn’t believe, himself?

Nowadays, it’s simply too clear that he can’t stand the presence and venerating words of his wife, nor anyone else that believes they may condone massacre - and Heaven knows, perhaps it’s for a greater reason and actuality of truth than he’ll ever be able to understand.

Wow, I haven't posted anything in about four months...

This didn't take me long to write, largely because of the fact it's pretty short (and which is unusual for me!). This is also for RhinoGhost's mini contest, where the theme is 'Hiding'. 

Hope I didn't offend anyone with this, and I apologise for having been so inactive.

I don't own anything aside from the story.

Edit: Good grief. I got a Daily Deviation on this. I don't think I've been this shocked many times before, but honestly, I'm not that proud. If anything, I feel quite sick and even afraid, because it's not even just an attempt at modesty when I say that there are thousands of works out there more deserving. This is a crappy fanfiction, for goodness' sake, and I don't even know if a DD has been granted to a reader insert before, which wouldn't be surprising given that they are things written for enjoyment more than anything else. If it hasn't, I'm not that proud to be the first. While I certainly am extremely grateful to those who featured and suggested this, I hope that everyone who sees this understands that I never intended for this to be a DD, and that if they are angered that it's there, that I'm sorry. I just hope that that's understood.
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Daily Deviation

Given 2014-07-05
The suggester said: "This depiction of a Spanish Conquistador paints a beautiful picture of the sadness of a guilty conscious."

Hide (Spain x Reader) by autumn--thunder ( Suggested by pozolegirl and Featured by SingingFlames )
:icongeegee98:
GeeGee98 Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2015  Student Digital Artist
Maaate 

What a bloody legend you are :iconraveplz:
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:iconvienna-kangaroo:
vienna-kangaroo Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
(☞ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)☞ right back at u m8
Reply
:icongeegee98:
GeeGee98 Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2015  Student Digital Artist
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) 
Reply
:iconsonjessica:
SonJessica Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Congratulations on getting the Daily Deviation for this! Its really well written and makes me think of a beautiful mind, in a way.  I really like it.  It also provides a more 3 dimensional take on a usually more cheery character like he is.  
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:iconvienna-kangaroo:
vienna-kangaroo Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much! That's very kind of you to say. : ) I can see why you'd draw those similarities (though I admit that I did have to look it up, despite having heard of it before!).
I'm glad you think that way, because I guess that was my aim, to a degree. I like to write darker things, besides. ;D
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:iconsonjessica:
SonJessica Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I hear that; I try to write like that sometimes, though, and I always bomb like that *but I never give up* 
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:iconvienna-kangaroo:
vienna-kangaroo Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
It's great that you never give up! Writing different or strange things is a worthy cause - and I try. ; w ;
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:iconsonjessica:
SonJessica Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! I try, I fail, but I get back up.
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:iconmeyoco:
meyoco Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2014  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Usually, character x reader story is something that I despise with all my might (sorry!), but your writing here truly blew me away. The way you described Spain's thoughts is nothing short of incredible. Reading your work really makes me learn a lot about how to portray a character's perspective. In short, this is an amazing work, keep writing! :love::love:
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:iconvienna-kangaroo:
vienna-kangaroo Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
(Hey, I take no offence! I actually understand why you would and it's a pretty common feeling, by what I've seen, especially as reader inserts often do serve no purpose, and I'm often no different in my own works, I suppose! ;) So no problem.)

Thank you so, so much - honestly, the fact that you speak so highly of my work as a person who dislikes the genre is the highest compliment I could earn. : ) I'm so glad you enjoyed it, and I'm seriously just absurdly flattered that you took so much from it, also, and that it may possibly serve as something more to you. Thank you. <3 I certainly will!
Reply
:iconitalianwhovian:
italianwhovian Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
The DD is completly necessary for this piece of writing they way you explained every thing was beautiful and that's real talent it was amazing don't doubt yourself your lucky :) well done
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:iconvienna-kangaroo:
vienna-kangaroo Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much for your words. <3 It's so lovely and encouraging to have your support, as well as that of others, particularly since I was so worried when this received the DD. Thank you again. : )
Reply
:iconitalianwhovian:
italianwhovian Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Well your welcome you honestly deserve the DD I could only try to write something as amazing as this  
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:iconvienna-kangaroo:
vienna-kangaroo Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much. :hug: Please don't think that way, though - as I was saying to someone else, the quality of a person's writing all depends on practise and also creativity, but also a little knowledge. Anyone can achieve that if they work at it. : ) So really, I'm no different than you, not that I would be to begin with. I'm paranoid about everything I write!
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:iconitalianwhovian:
italianwhovian Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I used to be paranoid bug ever since I came to dA I've been a lot more open about my writing and thank you :)
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:iconvienna-kangaroo:
vienna-kangaroo Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I'm on the slow road to being a little more open; being naturally shy and a bit downtrodden makes things somewhat harder, but I'm adapting. And you're welcome!
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:iconitalianwhovian:
italianwhovian Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
That's good because from what I've seen your an amazing writer keep it up please
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:iconvienna-kangaroo:
vienna-kangaroo Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I'll definitely try. Thank you. <3
Reply
(1 Reply)
:icontherollingscones:
TheRollingScones Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
OH MY GOSH YOU GOT A DD! I AM SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW.
HERE, HAVE SOME MARMITE TO CELEBRATE! :iconmarmiteplz:
Reply
:iconvienna-kangaroo:
vienna-kangaroo Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Haha, thank you! Believe me, I was insanely shocked and honoured when I heard it - in fact, I was simply incredulous. Have some Vegemite in return. :'D (Or Promite, if you prefer, which is slightly sweeter).
Reply
:icontherollingscones:
TheRollingScones Featured By Owner Jul 25, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
You deserve it though.
All your writings are great, 
even if you don't feel like they are. :stare:
Reply
:iconvienna-kangaroo:
vienna-kangaroo Featured By Owner Aug 2, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Stop flattering me, my marmite friend! ; _ ;
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:iconlapulta:
Lapulta Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Well, I think it's a very well-deserved DD. This is, and you are, if not the best reader insert writer I've read, then definitely one of the best. The best reader insert I've read on this site by far. It's beautiful and so deep.

Now excuse me so I can go stalk the rest of your works. omg, this is so good. ;-;
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:iconvienna-kangaroo:
vienna-kangaroo Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you so much. That honestly means the absolute world to me. <3 I'm so sorry it's such a late reply, but a mixture of recent personal difficulties and also just not really knowing what to say in response have hindered me a little. ; u ; I am extremely flattered, by both your compliments on the story and the writing itself, and I can really just express my gratitude a thousand times over.

Gosh, haha! The rest of my works pretty much just suck so I don't know what you'll think of my gallery. ; w ;
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:iconelphieofkiamoko:
elphieofkiamoko Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
I know you didn't feel you deserved the Daily Deviation, but your work here really is amazing--your language usage is beautiful, and it's insanely introspective and thought-provoking. You took a very sensitive topic (not even necessarily something as big as conquest/murder, but on its most basic level, regret) and provided some very insightful, stream-of-consciousness style prose about it. You have my highest compliments!
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:iconvienna-kangaroo:
vienna-kangaroo Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
(I can't believe it's been two months! I'm so, so sorry for not replying earlier! If anything I couldn't find the words to just express how grateful I am. :heart: )

Thank you so much for your kind words. They truly do mean the world to me and I don't know how to say how honoured I feel. <33 You really did give me a much needed confidence boost, and it's one of the comments that really meant the most to me, if not the very most, so I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I'm so glad you felt that the format worked and that it came across as not too simple or bland.

Once again, thank you! :hug:
Reply
:iconelphieofkiamoko:
elphieofkiamoko Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Oh! It's no trouble, haha. I'm glad to have been of help--you really earned every word, my friend :)
Reply
:iconvienna-kangaroo:
vienna-kangaroo Featured By Owner Sep 1, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
You really were helpful. And thank you, again. <3
Reply
:iconchromaticskies:
ChromaticSkies Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
Yay! A Hetalia DD :)!
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:iconvienna-kangaroo:
vienna-kangaroo Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
It's certainly unusual and unexpected. Thank you! <3
Reply
:iconchromaticskies:
ChromaticSkies Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome. I think that's awesome! It shows that it was really good XD (and it was!). I don't know why people are so aggressively surprised, I think it's great! Good job :)
Reply
:iconvienna-kangaroo:
vienna-kangaroo Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks so much. <33 It's so lovely to have your support. : )
Reply
Flagged as Spam
:iconvienna-kangaroo:
vienna-kangaroo Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :heart:
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Flagged as Spam
:iconvienna-kangaroo:
vienna-kangaroo Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you!
Reply
:iconcrooked-clockwork:
crooked-clockwork Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2014   General Artist
I was shocked that a character x reader story (let alone a Hetalia x reader story, I mean, hell yeah, right?) finally got chosen for a DD. I'm so happy for you and this was a beautifully written, heartwrenching and truthful. Thank you, autumn--thunder, for this masterpiece. I applaud you. :clap:
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:iconvienna-kangaroo:
vienna-kangaroo Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
As was I! Apparently my reader insert is the first one of a Hetalia theme to earn the DD, and I honestly find that rather overwhelming. ; w ; Thank you so much for your beautiful compliments; they mean the world to me, especially as you're a writer I very much admire. I can't begin to properly thank you. :heart:
Reply
:iconcrooked-clockwork:
crooked-clockwork Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2014   General Artist
You're so very welcome! This is indeed a positive boost for the Hetalia fandom. Fandom high-five. :highfive:
Reply
:iconvienna-kangaroo:
vienna-kangaroo Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Haha, you reckon? Well, thank you for saying so. <3 Yes, indeed! 
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:iconvenblack1398:
venblack1398 Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2014  Hobbyist
Amazing
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:iconvienna-kangaroo:
vienna-kangaroo Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much. : )
Reply
:iconcitystarre:
CityStarre Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2014  Hobbyist General Artist
That was awesome! You're an amazing writer ha ha I wish I was that good!
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:iconvienna-kangaroo:
vienna-kangaroo Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thanks so much! Please don't think that way, though - I'm no greater than you are. All anyone needs is creativity and time to be a good writer. : )
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:iconmiss-crystal-chan:
Miss-Crystal-chan Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2014  Student Digital Artist
Amazing! This is totally deserving of the DD! I absolutely love your word choice! Akari Akazaki (Good Job) [V3] 
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:iconvienna-kangaroo:
vienna-kangaroo Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much! I'm so happy to know you enjoyed it. :heart: That means a lot.
Reply
:iconmiss-crystal-chan:
Miss-Crystal-chan Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2014  Student Digital Artist
You're very welcome! :D
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:iconsilverinkblot:
SilverInkblot Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
I clicked because I couldn't believe a reader insert was a DD, but upon reading it, I don't actually know why it's even titled as a reader insert - the reader isn't present in any way. If you're worried about comments on that, I would really consider changing the title to reflect what the piece actually is; an excellent piece of fanfiction. I don't care for Hetalia in any way whatsoever, but it doesn't matter here - you could take out the fanfiction aspect altogether and hardly affect the story :)
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:iconvienna-kangaroo:
vienna-kangaroo Featured By Owner Jul 10, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
(I couldn't believe it, either!)

Yes, you're actually rather correct - the reader does have minimal involvement in this, mainly acting as a bit of a background character, I suppose, which came about through my editing and from the direction of the writing. But in no way am I trying to defend myself, however, because again, I would certainly follow your guidance, if not only for the fact that I'm not sure I can do it now with the awareness it's received and the groups it's in, but... Perhaps I will still do so, because you're right. 

Thank you so much for your compliment, as well. I'm extremely flattered by your graciousness because I know that a fanfiction like this is not commonly chosen for a DD, and I have no doubt it was a shock to more than just myself. So thank you, again, for both your advice and kindness, and I shall certainly consider following your idea. : ) 
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:icontinytino:
TinyTino Featured By Owner Jul 5, 2014
Ugh, why the fuck is an x Reader fic a DD?
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